Chapter 1: Understanding Motivation for Change

Many individuals today believe it is inappropriate to use a loved one as inspiration for personal change. Common phrases reflecting this sentiment include:

• "He must quit drinking for himself, not for me."
• "We shouldn't involve the kids in our marital issues."
• "She has to seek therapy on her own accord, not due to my wishes."

These statements illustrate a cultural belief that meaningful change should stem from internal motivation alone. However, this notion raises the question: how feasible is it for someone grappling with addiction, depression, or trauma to find that intrinsic drive? Often, these individuals feel trapped and hopeless, making the likelihood of discovering personal motivation without external prompts very slim.

A significant distinction exists between someone who reluctantly attends Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) meetings due to a spouse's ultimatum and another who uses that same relationship distress to genuinely engage in recovery. The latter deserves encouragement, not criticism. Many individuals have transformed their behaviors over decades of marriage simply because their partner expressed dissatisfaction, and countless others strive to improve for the sake of their children.

Desiring to be a better partner or parent can indeed serve as a powerful motivation. Clients frequently enter therapy motivated by their loved ones' concerns, and I have never turned someone away simply because their desire for change was not fully self-initiated. Instead, I commend them for heeding their partner's or children's feelings. After all, as social beings, the desire to maintain a happy and healthy family is a fundamental reason to embark on the challenging journey of self-improvement.

The belief that individuals should not be the impetus for another's change likely stems from Al-Anon principles emphasizing "detaching with love" and avoiding enabling behaviors, such as providing alcohol to an addict. While these concepts are valuable, it is also acceptable to communicate to a partner struggling with addiction or mental health issues that you desire to see them change, and that seeking help is a condition for continuing your relationship. If they choose to pursue treatment motivated by your relationship, that is a natural response.

A significant number of those seeking to alter problematic behaviors do so due to a loved one's distress or even an ultimatum. In couples counseling, I often see spouses who arrive because their partner insisted on it as a condition to avoid separation. Many of these couples emerge stronger and repair their relationships. Ultimatums can be constructive if not wielded manipulatively; they serve as boundaries: "If you continue this behavior, I cannot stay." The choice to change ultimately lies with the partner.

However, if someone begins therapy solely because their partner demanded it and shows little engagement, this creates a different scenario. In this case, the relationship cannot serve as a motivator if it does not transition into genuine internal investment. While the relationship can spark the initial desire for change, if one does not feel any personal benefits from this process, the likelihood of substantial transformation diminishes.

If you or your partner find yourselves in such a situation, it may be time to reassess the relationship. While partners can inspire one another, they shouldn't feel like jailers enforcing change. Reflect on whether you might be hindering a partner's growth or even refraining from encouraging them to change due to the belief that motivation must originate solely from within. You might be overlooking how you, too, have used your desire to be a better partner or parent as a catalyst for your own growth.

This mindset can become detrimental when taken to extremes. For instance, some individuals avoid asking their partner to stop drinking, believing that such a request should be unnecessary. They may think it only counts if the partner desires to quit independently. However, discussing how the drinking affects you could be the crucial conversation that prompts the partner's self-awareness and subsequent change.

Moreover, utilizing children as a motivation to enhance your marriage is not only acceptable but encouraged! While children shouldn't be the sole reason for remaining in a loveless relationship, they can serve as a powerful incentive to work towards a healthier partnership. Children can inspire you to become your best self in numerous ways, and the desire to be a better partner is merely one manifestation of that.

Personally, my children are my primary motivation to confront my own struggles with depression and overall well-being. I believe most parents share this sentiment. Why, then, should a partner be any different as a source of motivation? In a nurturing marriage, partners reparent each other, fulfilling various roles that contribute to mutual growth.

If this resonates with you, consider sharing this message with your partner! Until next time, I remain, The Blogapist Who Believes Deep Change Can Begin For Any Reason!

For therapy, visit Dr. Whiten here and explore other clinicians in her group practice, Best Life Behavioral Health. For coaching, click here. You can also order Dr. Whiten's books, 52 Emails to Transform Your Marriage and How to Talk to Your Kids about Your Divorce: Healthy, Effective Communication Techniques for Your Changing Family, and listen to The Dr. Psych Mom Show on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or your preferred platform. Join The Dr. Psych Mom secret Facebook group for more discussions on these topics!

This blog does not serve as medical advice or diagnosis and should not replace professional consultation. If the advice provided does not yield results, you cannot hold me liable. These insights are my personal opinions, shaped by my training and experience as a therapist. Furthermore, all examples used involve hypothetical scenarios, not real individuals.

Chapter 2: The Power of External Motivation

This video titled 50 Minutes of Motivation To Change YOU features Les Brown sharing inspiring insights on personal transformation. His powerful messages encourage viewers to tap into their potential and make positive changes in their lives.

In this video, Can You Give Me an Example of a Time When You Motivated Others, the speaker discusses the importance of inspiring those around you and the impact of external motivation on personal growth.