Chapter 1: Understanding Myself

In Matt Haig's remarkable book “Reasons To Stay Alive,” he illustrates a conversation similar to the one I'm about to share. I highly recommend reading it before diving into this blog. This writing represents the first part of an ongoing dialogue with myself, aimed at fostering self-love and acceptance.

New Me: Can you tell me a little about who you are?

Me: It’s me, Rhys.

New Me: Actually, I don’t know you at all.

Me: Really? But you know everything about me.

New Me: True, but I’m asking because, to manage our depression, we need to understand who we are. I sat down and realized I had no idea. Knowing ourselves is the first step to acceptance.

Me: I cherish my family and enjoy sports, especially ice hockey and rugby. I...

New Me: Yes, but that’s just the surface. We need to uncover the deeper layers to heal properly.

Me: If it helps, I can describe how I feel right now. The challenge is distinguishing the true ‘me’ from the ‘depression’ that clouds my mind.

New Me: Let’s explore that.

Me: I feel irritable and grumpy. I often blame my depression, but maybe that’s like blaming the dog for the noise.

New Me: Ha! You do have a sense of humor.

Me: People have said that before, but I’m not the funniest person around.

New Me: You are, but your quiet nature hides it. You can't expect laughter if they can’t hear you. Let’s investigate further.

New Me: Why do you keep quiet in groups?

Me: I suppose it’s because I fear others see me as boring.

New Me: Is that really true?

Me: I think so, depending on the crowd. Sometimes I can tell I’m interesting to some, while others seem disinterested.

New Me: So, a portion of people find you engaging and funny?

Me: I guess so.

New Me: No need for guessing; you just acknowledged it.

Me: Alright, yes, some do.

New Me: Yet, you tell yourself you’re dull?

Me: I know, it sounds silly now that I’ve said it.

New Me: Exactly, our mind can be deceptive.

Me: I’ve often felt embarrassed when my stories receive silence or my jokes fall flat. It seems safer to stay reserved to avoid ridicule.

New Me: That's intriguing. You acknowledge your interesting side yet choose to remain quiet due to a few strangers' opinions?

Me: I suppose.

New Me: Do all strangers enjoy Ricky Gervais's comedy?

Me: No.

New Me: Do you?

Me: Yes.

New Me: There you have it.

Me: But I’m not Ricky Gervais.

New Me: Correct. There’s only one of him and only one of you. Don’t compare. If he listened to his doubts, we wouldn’t enjoy his comedy today. By worrying about strangers’ opinions, you’re stifling your true self.

Me: I don’t wish to be an extrovert or seek the spotlight.

New Me: You don’t have to. Your personality and storytelling abilities should shine through. You’re enough as you are. Even if you weren’t ‘good enough,’ that shouldn’t stop you from being authentic.

New Me: Are you an introvert or an extrovert?

Me: I think I’m both.

New Me: That’s fine.

Me: Shouldn't I choose one?

New Me: No, it’s unlikely you’ll be entirely one or the other.

Me: Okay.

New Me: Do you prefer sitting squarely in one category rather than the middle of a Venn diagram?

Me: Yes, I do.

New Me: This brings me to my next question: black or white?

Me: Huh? That doesn’t make sense...

New Me: Exactly. You often prefer an either-or situation. Why is that? Why don’t you see the in-betweens?

Me: I’m decisive. I don’t sit on the fence.

New Me: You’re quite firm in that belief, aren’t you?

Me: Yes, I see it as a strength.

New Me: What did your counselor think?

Me: She said it’s both a weakness and a strength.

New Me: Sounds like she recognizes the nuances.

Me: She does.

New Me: Are you still skeptical?

Me: Yes, I believe decisiveness is strong and assertive. There’s no time for indecision.

New Me: Why the rush?

Me: … there isn’t one.

New Me: You just mentioned it’s more efficient to decide and commit.

Me: True.

New Me: But what if the decision is incorrect?

Me: It won’t be.

New Me: It could be, you know that.

Me: If it’s wrong, I just need to reassess.

New Me: Does that take time?

Me: Are you trying to test me?

New Me: No. I’m you. I want to help you understand. So, does it take time?

Me: Yes, it does.

New Me: So, sometimes it’s more efficient to ponder the options rather than rush to a conclusion.

Me: I suppose that makes sense. I just prefer clarity over uncertainty.

New Me: Interesting. Do you know why uncertainty bothers you?

Me: Yes, it’s fear.

New Me: That’s perfectly fine, Rhys. Fear is a natural response. Being decisive doesn’t make life less daunting; it can actually limit you.

Me: You’re right. I’m sorry.

New Me: Why apologize?

Me: I do that when I feel I’ve erred.

New Me: There’s no right or wrong here. We’re just reflecting.

Me: I know. I just...

New Me: You’re overly critical of yourself.

Me: I am?

New Me: Yes, you constantly scrutinize yourself. You’ve even discussed this with your counselor.

Me: Okay, I admit it.

New Me: Do you know the reason?

Me: Yes, my counselor believes it stems from wanting to impress my dad. Since he passed, I focus on moments I feel I disappointed him.

New Me: Listen closely. You always made him proud. You need to believe that. He cherished you. Any missteps were part of learning, nothing more. He was proud of you. We all are. You need to stop being so hard on yourself.

Me: I’m just looking for quicker results in my recovery.

New Me: It’s understandable, but it will take the time it takes. You’ve made significant progress since our breakdown. Don’t be too harsh on yourself.

Me: Thanks, Rhys. I appreciate your support.

New Me: It’s what writing is for—finding our voice. So, what have we learned?

Me: I’m both introverted and extroverted. I’m interesting and funny. I struggle with self-belief and often see things in black-and-white. I’m too critical of myself, and my dad was proud of me. I fear the world and try to control everything. I desire to heal.

New Me: Excellent, we’re making headway.

Me: I know, but where do I start changing?

New Me: Here’s your first lesson: change nothing.

Me: What?!

New Me: Change nothing. You are unique. No one else has walked your path. You are special.

Me: But how do I improve? Isn’t this the process of healing?

New Me: It is.

Me: But?

New Me: It’s about acceptance, not change. Accept who you are now. Your flaws make you perfect. Your imperfections make you interesting and funny.

Me: I’m confused.

New Me: I understand. But trust me. Acceptance of every flaw will lead to genuine happiness. When you accept yourself, you’ll find you become more flexible, confident, and less critical.

Me: I see. Trying to fight these feelings only intensifies them.

New Me: Exactly. Accept them. Appreciate them. I assure you, once you embrace who you are, the changes you seek will naturally occur. They’ve always been there, just hidden behind your defenses.

Me: Wow. You sound wise. Are you really me?

New Me: Absolutely. This wisdom lies within all of us. The distractions of life often lead us away from what truly matters.

Me: Thank you, Rhys.

New Me: Anytime.

Me: Can we talk again soon?

New Me: I’m always here for you.

Me: Thanks.

Chapter 2: Embracing Vulnerability

In this chapter, we will explore the importance of vulnerability and its role in personal growth.

This video titled "About Me - YouTube" delves into personal stories and experiences that shape our identity, emphasizing the importance of self-reflection and acceptance.

In the video "Interview | First Words - Rhys Williams - YouTube," Rhys shares insights into his journey, highlighting the significance of understanding oneself in the face of adversity.