Chapter 1: The Particles of MAGA

In the realm of quantum physics, just as researchers have unveiled that protons consist of fundamental components known as quarks, it appears that the MAGA movement is similarly made up of a collection of distinct elements—dubbed "morons."

Physicists, by integrating these morons into the world's foremost particle accelerator, the Large Hadron Collider, have pinpointed an unusual array of previously unidentified elementary particles that form the foundation of these MAGA morons.¹

At the heart of this moron is the "felon," which exerts a powerful influence on surrounding particles. This entity is characterized by its dominant gravitational pull, a distinctive puke-orange coloration, and an insatiable appetite for all forms of matter and energy across all 26 dimensions.

Unlike neutrinos, which are charge-neutral, the felon boasts a staggering 91 charges—more than any other known particle.

Tethered to the felon is the "kevon," which seems to insert a nose-like appendage into a cavity on the felon's surface that bears a striking resemblance to a rectum. The kevon's attachment is so loyal that scientists have affectionately dubbed it "mykevon."

In contrast, the "jordon" serves as a rival to the kevon, always opposing its charge. This particle attempts to rally other particles to dislodge the kevon, only to find itself isolated in the moron ecosystem, searching for anything—be it lint or otherwise—to attack.

Other notable particles include the "bannon," "boebon," "goson," "byron," "ronjohn," and "rogon," each contributing to the chaotic energy within the moron as they collide and trigger random explosions.

Two additional particles, the "cruzon" and "gaetzon," remain perpetually isolated, emitting forces that repel all other matter, including darker entities like the "qanon."

Though quantum mechanics typically governs the behavior of elementary particles at the subatomic level, the MAGA movement's inherent illogicality necessitates a dual application of both quantum and classical physics to comprehend the bewildering phenomena observed within its sphere.

As in quantum mechanics, where particles can become entangled—affecting one another across vast distances—MAGA phenomena often exhibit similarly perplexing behavior. An instance of this is a prominent MAGA figure's assertion that California's 2018 wildfires were triggered by laser beams from outer space, with an even more bizarre rumor suggesting these beams were somehow Jewish, a claim physicists find challenging to debunk due to the physical impossibility of detecting such characteristics in laser beams.

In alignment with Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle, which posits that one cannot simultaneously measure a particle's position and momentum, the MAGA world grapples with its own uncertainties, particularly regarding democratic elections. Notably, the likes of Giuliani and Powell have highlighted through their investigations that counting votes invariably alters them—especially when using Dominion machines, which, according to Occam's Razor, were allegedly programmed by former Venezuelan leader Hugo Chávez.

This scenario leads to the humorous conclusion that while we cannot count votes and determine a winner simultaneously, this limitation seems to exempt Republicans.

In the context of special relativity, which asserts that time and space are interdependent and can only be accurately measured in relation to each other, the MAGA movement illustrates how a felon can evade consequences that other particles face. To put it another way, justice appears to be relative, especially when considering the relatives of felons who brazenly flout laws while mingling with New York City's elite.

Finally, let's delve into Schrödinger's Cat, a thought experiment that underscores the paradox of quantum superposition. In this scenario, a cat is perceived as both alive and dead until observed, as its fate hinges on an unpredictable subatomic event.

In the quest to make America "great" again, the MAGA movement has created a political superposition where democracy is both alive and dead. Experts suggest that this paradox will only resolve when we "open the box" during the November 2024 elections, though the randomness of the universe makes predicting the outcome impossible. Current odds in Las Vegas, however, lean heavily towards a "dead" outcome.

Thanks to Dr. T. Kent Jones of the Comedy Physics Institute for his insights.

¹ A few MAGA morons may have encountered unfortunate fates during these experiments, a phenomenon humorously referred to as "payback’s a bitch."

Chapter 2: The Quantum Comedy of MAGA

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