Chapter 1: The New Scientist

Dear actual scientists, I empathize with the challenges you've faced lately, especially with the rampant anti-vaccine sentiments and global warming skeptics—especially from some political figures.

Unfortunately, there's more troubling news: I've recently been designated as a "scientist." Yes, it caught me off guard, too.

I received an email from an entity called the “Journal of Novel Physiotherapies” (I won’t provide a link, and I advise caution if you consider visiting their site). To be honest, I'm not sure what traditional physiotherapies entail, let alone their "novel" counterparts. However, the email exuberantly declared, “We recognize your esteemed reputation for quality research and reliability in the field of Physiotherapies, which is why you have been selected as an Editorial Board Member…”

How flattering! Despite not having engaged in scientific research since my undergraduate astronomy course in 1988, it seems my "reputation" precedes me.

In case you're interested, here’s a screenshot of the email:

Now, while I may not be versed in physiotherapies, I do have some insight into email marketing. Let’s analyze this misguided communication, shall we? The return email address, e-openaccess.info, practically shouts “SPAM.”

I’m not a doctor, merely a humble MBA. It seems this research journal doesn't excel in research.

While aiming for a casual tone during these uncertain times is understandable, starting an email with “Greetings!!” feels a tad off—unless it’s followed by “Earthlings.”

The colorful presentation of my name also raises SPAM alerts.

I wouldn’t be much of a scientist—or a critical thinker—if I responded to junk mail by disclosing my personal details along with a passport-sized photo. While many institutions have requested my photo, only the State Department has ever asked for it to be passport-sized. I can only wonder what the spammers intend to do with that!

The erratic capitalization throughout the email implies the “journal” could use an editor.

To clarify, being an Editorial Board Member means I get to submit articles in exchange for a… certificate? Will I also receive a participation trophy?

Seeing a scientific journal proclaim, “We are ready to serve you,” was a first for me. I didn’t realize journals operated like service businesses. If that's the case, I’d prefer my certificate to come with a venti cappuccino, extra hot, and a shot of Irish whiskey on the side.

The phrase “We look forward for…” is just one of the many awkward expressions littering this email. Maybe the journal-publishing realm isn’t their forte.

Isabella seems to lack a last name, but these novel physiotherapies might assist her/them/it in acquiring one.

Interestingly, Isabella also appears without a title but concluded the email with “USA.” I’ve never thought to wrap up my messages with my country—how unique.

I doubt any respectable scientist would fall for this ploy. More likely, such offers appeal to hustlers, scammers, and eager PhDs hoping to embellish their social media presence. Given that inflated online profiles can help unscrupulous individuals get published by right-wing outlets, a dubious “journal” could serve as a plausible deception.

As a joke, I’m contemplating launching the Journal of Novel Martini-Therapies, and everyone is welcome to join as Editorial Bartenders. No need to provide any photo—just a dash of olive juice will suffice. We have to make it dirty, right?

USA!

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Chapter 2: The Absurdity of Academic Spam

Video Title: Trump Is Just Making Stuff Up At This Point - YouTube

This video provides a humorous commentary on the absurdity of some recent political statements and their implications for science and public discourse.