Understanding the 'Liking Gap': Why We Fear Being Disliked

Have you ever had a pleasant chat with someone only to second-guess yourself later, thinking maybe you didn’t leave a good impression?

Imagine this: you're engaged in a light-hearted conversation with a new acquaintance or perhaps someone you haven’t seen in years. The discussion flows easily, and you feel positive about it. Later on, however, self-doubt creeps in. You replay the conversation in your head, fixating on any potentially awkward moments. Eventually, you conclude that the other person must think you’re foolish.

The concept known as the "liking gap" sheds light on this common phenomenon, where individuals often underestimate how much they are liked after social interactions. Research published in 2018 in the journal Psychological Science introduced this idea. Gus Cooney, one of the researchers and a professor at the Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania, explained to VICE that the liking gap serves a functional purpose. He stated, "If we talk and I make an awkward joke, it's natural for me to wonder if I offended you." He notes that issues arise when that self-doubt spirals out of control.

According to the research, the liking gap occurs because we often lack the means to directly gauge others’ feelings about us after an interaction. Instead, we rely on speculation, mentally retracing our steps and questioning every detail of the encounter. This second-guessing is often accompanied by a harsh inner critic, especially when engaging with someone new. Essentially, the liking gap reveals that many people are left wondering if others dislike them after what seemed like a perfectly normal exchange. The study found that individuals consistently underestimate how much they are liked, even when the other person shows clear signs of interest through laughter, smiles, and gestures. We often miss these cues because we are preoccupied with our own performance, perpetuating the liking gap.

Interestingly, the researchers noted that while people typically undervalue their likability, they tend to overrate their abilities in other areas, such as driving or romantic relationships. In other words, we may feel confident in ourselves until we interact with someone else, which can lead to feelings of inadequacy.

Cooney and his team studied various situations involving first-time meetings: lab colleagues, college roommates, and participants at a workshop. They asked each person to assess how much they liked their conversation partner and vice versa. The results showed that people generally perceived their own likability as lower than their conversation partner did.

This self-critical tendency can prevent us from saying inappropriate things. However, the liking gap theory illustrates that this inner voice can be louder than we realize. We often assume that people who express affection must be insincere. The only individuals seemingly unaffected by this phenomenon are those who do not consider themselves shy. This raises questions about what fuels their confidence.

Cooney also referenced a follow-up study that explored the liking gap in children over the age of five. This research indicated that young children do not experience a "liking gap" because they are not yet concerned with their social reputation. Cooney remarked, "Very young children don't care if someone likes them; they aren't focused on building a reputation." However, as children grow and become aware of social dynamics, the liking gap begins to form.

Previous studies primarily focused on interactions between acquaintances or newcomers, but Cooney suggested that the liking gap can also occur among individuals who haven’t connected in a long time. Given the isolation brought about by the COVID-19 pandemic, many people may find themselves struggling to reconnect, leading to significant liking gaps, even with close friends.

The encouraging news is that research indicates the liking gap diminishes over time, especially in college dorms. If you feel awkward or insecure around new acquaintances—or even friends you haven't seen in a while—rest assured that these feelings are not permanent. As you build familiarity and comfort with someone, the gap narrows, and you no longer feel compelled to scrutinize every word you say. Isn’t that a comforting thought? It’s reminiscent of the essence of friendship.

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Wero