Chapter 1: The Challenge of Overhelping

Changing our perspective often requires more than just a simple belief in our potential to succeed.

By Hilary Lauren Jastram

If you have a compassionate heart, you’re likely familiar with the urge to rescue others. As entrepreneurs, we aspire to guide our clients and colleagues towards greatness, hoping they will recognize their inherent talents and capabilities. Our aim is to instill them with enthusiasm and an unstoppable drive to conquer their challenges.

However, I have found myself caught in this cycle repeatedly, leading to a crucial realization: it can be unkind to uplift individuals who aren't ready for their own achievements. When they lack the internal strength to persevere, it resembles offering a raincoat during a storm but withdrawing it when the next downpour arrives.

This approach isn't sustainable. Just as someone grappling with their failures isn't prepared to embrace their potential, neither can we endlessly prop them up to feel valued.

I’ve aided individuals with crafting their resumes, teaching them how to highlight their experiences effectively, and encouraging them to affirm their capabilities. While I may assist them in achieving a single goal, the question remains: will they rely on me again and again, believing that my faith in them holds more power than their own self-belief?

To truly cultivate confidence, significant effort is necessary—much like overcoming an addiction. It involves a fundamental shift in lifestyle.

As I’ve mentioned before, self-doubting beliefs can become ingrained pathways in our minds. Our thoughts condition our brains to expect certain outcomes, deepening these mental ruts over time. This is a scientific truth.

When you decide to support someone who doesn’t recognize their own strengths, you also take on the responsibility of helping them heal from these entrenched beliefs. You bear the weight of their growth, which seems absurd upon reflection.

We don’t rescue people; instead, individuals allow us to assist them because they seek salvation.

If you think I’m referring to you, I am—just as I am reflecting on my own journey. I’ve inadvertently belittled fellow entrepreneurs with hollow affirmations, failing to acknowledge their unique circumstances. I should have aligned my support with their current state instead of pushing them towards an unrealistic ideal.

When we ignite motivation in someone struggling with their self-worth, we risk robbing them of their accomplishments. If they achieve their goals with our encouragement, they might feel, “I couldn't have done this alone, so I'll probably fail next time.”

Not everyone reacts to the same motivations or incentives. Each person is on their own path, having reached distinct milestones along the way. It’s essential to respect this and assist those who are prepared for help.

While we may believe that positivity is contagious, the truth is that individuals can only absorb what they are ready for. Genuine acceptance and love must first come from within; they must be prepared to challenge negativity and embrace constructive feedback.

This requires immense internal work, often taking years to navigate. You don't bear the responsibility of saving the world; instead, focus on those who are willing to receive your support. Extend your encouragement and resources, then step back to allow their personal transformations to unfold independently.

Healing can manifest as:

• Defining healthy love.
• Letting go of self-imposed limitations.
• Establishing boundaries.
• Surrounding oneself with positive influences.
• Seeking treatment for mental health challenges.

These are significant, defining aspects of a person’s identity. It is irresponsible to assume such authority over another without acknowledging their emotional reality. We are not inherently better or worse; we are simply different.

Are you ready to engage in self-discovery, address trauma, and implement coping strategies while keeping your focus on the individual’s safety? Not many are prepared unless they work within the mental health profession.

Your influence matters, but so does your awareness of your responsibilities.

In every area of expertise, we all possess enough knowledge to be dangerous. Let’s exercise caution regarding whom we assist and how we impact their lives.

Responsible coaching can truly transform lives, just as recognizing the limits of your role can be equally vital.

Chapter 2: The Importance of Timing in Assistance

In this enlightening video, "Think I'd be Doing Myself a Disservice by Not Playing This! [Vertical] #Shorts," we explore the value of self-awareness and recognizing when to step back.

The next video, "Why One On One Tutoring Is A Disservice To Students," delves into the potential drawbacks of overhelping and the importance of fostering independence.

Continue learning more from The Good Men Project on Medium:

• The Scary Truth about Divorce and Marriage
• The Mistake Smart People Make That Causes Divorce and Other Miserable Things
• I’m Tired of Taking on Her Emotions

The original article was published on The Good Men Project.

About Hilary Lauren Jastram:

Freelance writer, author, and passionate word enthusiast, Hilary Lauren Jastram enjoys reading grammar reference books in her spare time. She is the author of "Killing Karl," a narrative about a career killer disguised as an ordinary man, and his wife’s struggle with denial. Hilary also runs J. Hill Marketing, specializing in digital media and copywriting. Her second book, "Sick Success: The Entrepreneur’s Prescription to Turning Pain into Purpose and Profit," is available on Amazon. Writing is her love and passion, an unstoppable force in her life.