Understanding Choreplay: Why Cleaning Doesn't Spark Desire
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Chapter 1: The Concept of Choreplay
In recent discussions, I've come to realize that some men misunderstand the idea that chores can be appealing to women. When a woman mentions that "doing chores turns her on," many men interpret this as a direct reference to sexual arousal akin to how they perceive being "turned on." This misinterpretation can lead to significant confusion, which I aim to clarify in this article.
The reality is quite different! Most women, particularly those beyond their youthful years, are not physiologically stimulated by romantic gestures or chores unless there is an element of physical touch involved. In fact, foreplay is essential for many women to feel aroused, contrasting with men who often experience spontaneous arousal. This distinction between spontaneous and responsive desire is explored in greater detail in this discussion.
In this podcast episode, I examine how, for women in fulfilling marriages, a partner's willingness to undertake household tasks allows them to unwind and transition into a mental state conducive to intimacy. When a woman expresses that cleaning is appealing, she usually means it positively contributes to her comfort and connection with her partner. This is akin to a woman complimenting a friend on their appearance; it doesn’t imply a romantic interest, but rather a recognition of beauty. Similarly, when a woman claims that chores are alluring, it reflects her appreciation for her partner’s efforts, which fosters a relaxed atmosphere where intimacy can thrive.
A commenter on my Facebook post suggested that women should refrain from using the term "turned on" if they don't genuinely mean it. I countered that this is similar to advising a man against saying, “I can’t wait to see you later” while at work, as it could be interpreted as a literal inability to wait. Just as "can’t wait" serves as a colloquial expression, so does "turned on." When a woman says, “I can’t wait to have sex later,” she is often flirting rather than making a definitive promise, much like a man who expresses a desire to travel without committing to specific plans. (For a deeper exploration of this topic, listen here.)
It’s important to note that some women may have little desire for intimacy, regardless of the circumstances, due to low libido, asexuality, or marital dissatisfaction. However, these individuals are unlikely to claim that chores would ignite any feelings of attraction. The fundamental principle is to trust what individuals convey about their feelings rather than assuming we understand them better than they know themselves. If a woman expresses that chores enhance her sense of connection, it likely means she feels closer to her partner after they engage in shared household responsibilities. Nevertheless, it’s crucial to recognize that chores are not the primary catalyst for sexual desire; instead, they contribute to a more relaxed environment where intimacy might flourish later.
Chapter 2: The Reality of Chores and Intimacy
If your partner indicates that chores are merely a baseline expectation and do not enhance her desire, it’s essential to understand that this perspective may not support a romantic connection. While it remains important to participate in household responsibilities out of respect for your partnership, expecting these actions to directly influence your sex life may lead to disappointment. It might be more beneficial to engage in couples therapy to openly discuss both partners' attitudes towards intimacy and physical affection. If your partner is unwilling to view sex as an integral part of the marriage, you may face a stalemate that necessitates difficult decisions.
Fortunately, many couples who seek therapy are committed to understanding each other’s perspectives, whether regarding intimacy, household duties, or other relationship dynamics.
If this article resonates with you, consider sharing it with your partner for a meaningful discussion. Engaging with your partner’s thoughts and feelings can significantly enhance your relationship. If this conversation feels challenging, seeking therapy could provide a structured and supportive environment for navigating these complex topics. Until next time, I remain The Blogapist, reflecting on the insights from my favorite satirical literature.
For therapy, check out Dr. Whiten's services and others in her practice, Best Life Behavioral Health. For coaching with Dr. Whiten, visit here. You can also find Dr. Whiten’s books, including "Couples You Meet in Counseling" and "52 Emails to Transform Your Marriage," as well as listen to "The Dr. Psych Mom Show" on various podcast platforms. Join The Dr. Psych Mom secret Facebook group for more discussions on these topics!
Please note that this blog does not serve as medical advice and should not replace consultation with a qualified professional. Any advice provided is based on my personal experience as a therapist and is not intended to be a one-size-fits-all solution. All examples mentioned are hypothetical and not based on actual individuals.